Today I realized that I can't be a professional web designer. This is somewhat difficult for me because it's been my main source of income for the past 4-5 years. It bought me my computer, my tablet, and basically everything else I own.

The work itself is just too bland and emotionless for me. There's nothing fulfilling about it. It's there to pay the bills, but I can't even convince myself to use it for that purpose anymore. I read emails and take calls from people who feed me instructions. I then follow those instructions and attempt to illustrate their idea with geometric shapes and text. Honestly I'd rather be homeless than continue this mindless identity work. You can call it visual communication, and in a sense it is(I guess it depends on what your definition of "visual communication" is), but all your trying to do is give a company a design that will help persuade others to fork their money over to them. I know that life works this way, and money makes the world spin in a sense, but it's not for me. How is any of that rewarding?

I lost a very good client today because I couldn't get myself motivated enough to be everything I could be for that client. I feel horrible about it, but the fact that it happened really opened my eyes to the fact that I've been wasting my time. I'm already aware of what I'm passionate about, so why am I wasting my time with web design? Yes, web design makes money, but would I be happier if I replaced that money with something I'm passionate about? I'm dead certain I would be. Hell, my lack of dedication to web design is even screwing up things for clients now. It's like a bomb just went off in my head and it said "MOVE THE FUCK ON MOTHERFUCKER".

I don't want to be miserable when I'm working, and I don't want to cause problems for other people who are PAYING me. They deserve much more than that. Quite a few people I know will claim that quitting this field is "immature," and that I should learn to deal with it, because I could use the money(won't argue there), but really, most if not all of them are working jobs they hate, and they think they don't have any other option but to work that job. Everyone has options, it all depends on how you look at it. That option may lead to a very rough path, but how exciting can a smooth path possibly be? I don't live my life to please other people, and If I don't have a good reason to respect you, there's a good chance I'm not going to listen to you.

I'm prepared to fail at what I love doing. It's all about getting back up. SY'RS won't be a masterpiece, but I'll be illustrating my thoughts and expressing/communicating what goes through my head, which grants me a great sense of accomplishment, and that's what makes me happy. There's still so much I want to learn about myself, and my brain.


So it's time to express myself through illustration, full time. I'll keep my shitty front desk hotel job for cigarettes and coffee, but the rest of my time will be invested in what I love doing. coughSY'RScough


Those student loans will just have to wait they can throw me in prison if they'd like, as long as I can bring my sketchpad.